Thoughts

The nice weather has got me thinking that I should be outside painting and enjoying the sun – but whenever I think about doing anything remotely art related I just think of all the canvas’ I’ve already got finished upstairs and how they’re gathering dust because I have absolutely no business knowledge or any ideas what to do with them.

The truth is, I enjoy painting, I enjoy doodle artwork, I enjoy furry fandom artwork and I enjoy writing. I don’t have the ability to focus on just one thing and stick with it for any real length of time without facing burnout and ending up unable to do any of these things for a length of time.

I think burnout is fine (or as fine as it can be) when you’re an established artist (or writer, or blogger or any other thing that can be established) But when you face it after a short length of time and you’re a noboby facing eviction from nowhere land, then it impacts you more. It hurts and damages you, knocks your confidence maybe?

Imagine, you’re just trying to get off the ground with a new venture. You put everything into it and then whollop, you’ve been burning the candle at both ends and just can’t seem to do anything anymore. It’s especially difficult when there is little to encourage you to keep going. Sure, you’ve got your cheerleaders behind you; your friends and family, that’ll support you, but other than that, reaching out feels like it’s next to impossible.

I’d love to have an art career, I’d love to be able to tell people that as well as a full-time Mum I am an artist, because right now I honstly just feel like a failure. I’ve no income and completely relying on my Husband for everything and despite is having the talk of ‘Thats what we agreed on’ I sometimes feel like it isn’t fair on him to provide for us on his own.

But… as with everything, it seems like art and selling is more of a popularity contest than anything else. You get popular on sites like Society6, more people see your work, you sell more. Your not popular. You’ve had it! You’re popular among the Furry Art Community, you get support and commissioned (Seemingly regardless of artistic merit) You don’t have the right friends, you’ve had it! To the point where I joked with someone that you need an ‘Art Sugar Daddy’

I know, I know, it’s mostly my own fault because I have asolutely no sticking power or dedication to keep something going. I don’t know why but I shoot myself in my own foot because as soon as I am ‘getting somewhere’ and talk to people I completely clam up and run for the hills as though getting close to people is a problem – which it really is, but thats a story for another time.

Something I struggle with

I didn’t want to write this post either – maybe next time I’ll look at what I have to write before accepting a challenge.

Mostly, because I find if I dwell on the things I struggle with they feel a little all consuming and it tends to get me feeling a bit overwhelmed and it’s a downward spiral.

There is one thing though that I think I really struggle with. Overthinking. I am always concerned with ‘Is this the right thing to do?’ or ‘What will be the consequences if I do X thing’ It’s pretty much a problem with everything that I take on. The fear of failure, rather than just trying something out. Rather than feeling free to parts of my ideas or creative adventures, I am more concerned with what’ll happen if I do the thing.

For example, I have a lot of story ideas and character concepts in my head – but rather than jut enjoy these ideas while they last, I tend to think, what happens if I only get into them for a few days and they fall flat on their backsides and I never pick them up again? Ultimately, who would really give two hoots if this is the case! I mean, as long as I enjoy what I am doing at the time and in the long run no one gets hurt, it’s all good right?

I feel this way with all my ventures really. The fear of failure or whatever that holds me back, when really I should just let go of it all and enjoy everything while it lasts. Rather than overthink and over complicate things.

Pet Peeves

Ooooh, this’ll be a fun one! My top three pet peeves. I could say about some smaller more insignificant things, like chewing gum or litter but while these annoy me, then generally don’t get me ranting my head off all evening about it!

Bullying – I think this is more than a simple pet peeve to be honest. And if anyone actually likes bullying there is something wrong with their heads, lets be fair. But, what I really cannot stand is when adults bully children. I was in the local market this weekend and one woman was sat at a nail bar while her daughter was sat on the floor behind her – I think playing with a toy or something, either way, not up to anything much at all while she waited for her mother – but the mother was busy telling her. ‘Oh look, what a stupid little baby, on the floor.’ I guess she didn’t want her daughter to be sat in the middle of the floor, but it was the condescending manner in which she spoke to her child that made me remember it. I know it might seem like nothing, but to me it came across as totally mean.

In relation to the bullying peeve, is people that guilt trip other people online. It seems like there is this big thing now where it’s all right to be friends with someone and make them be friends with only ‘you.’ Or role play with only ‘you.’ Or conform to ‘your’ thoughts, rather than let them do what they want to do. And should you have a disagreement because you don’t do as they say, you know the friendship will be over and you’ll have to face a series of guilt-trippy journals or ‘vagueposts.’ I am having trouble expressing my thoughts here clearly, but those who know what I mean should understand.

Being lied too – This is a big one as well, I think I can mostly blame my Dad for it as well, cause if I remember rightly, it’s something that annoys him greatly. I remember I was going to go somewhere with a friend and for whatever reason they didn’t feel up for going. That would have been fine and it wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest, if they’d told me their reasons. However, I got told that tickets had sold out. I knew this wasn’t the case as I checked online and could have brought tickets for this event. Why go through that elaborate deception rather than just say they ‘Didn’t have the money’ or ‘I don’t feel up for it.’ I guess they thought they would have been sparing my feelings, but hey-ho!

Questions – This might be a bit of an odd one, but I hate it when I am asked the same question over and over again. It wears me down until eventually I give a stupid/sarcastic answer to the question. Being asked ‘Are you okay?’ constantly is really draining. I don’t mean as in every time I see someone, I mean every 10 minutes or so.

Why do I/You paint?

Why do I paint?

I’ve often asked myself this. Why do I create paintings, drawings and write?

It’s mostly addiction.

Not to the process of creating itself, because I personally have taken breaks from the creative process before. But addicted to that strange and often horrible feeling afterwards.

That feeling of euphoria that you’ve created something from your imagination and put it down on canvas sucessfully. Nothing can replace that feeling. You’ve made something from scratch and it’s all you. Your brain child. A part of your soul that you get out of yourself and share with the world – regardless of if you actually show anyone or not, it’s still there.

Yet there is also that horrible emotion that you actually feel utterly rubbish at everything you do and you’ll never get something looking right or how you’d like it. You’ve failed your brain child by making them something that doesn’t look perfect.

Then there is turning that emotion into a positive force that makes you try all over again.

It’s an addictive process really. I don’t know if every creative person feels this way about creating whatever it is they create or if it’s just my underlaying lack of self confidence and / or esteem, but I feel this way about a lot of the things that I put my creative mentality towards. Be it painting abstract art, drawing characters for others and myself, or hobby modelling. I look at what I have done afterward it is finished and rarely feel happy with what I have done.

I know for professionals it’s a part of their working life, illustrators have to create because it’s how they get paid. Fine artists create to impress galleries in order to showcase their art and sell paintings or to get private commissions. (This is a grand generalisation I know) I never really got along too well with the pressure I feel in either of these stances, so I can’t say that I paint for the money.

Yet a day or so after the feeling of dejection fades and I want to pick it all up and start over again. Maybe I am just a sucker for punishment! I don’t know if this is the real reason that I paint, but it is a part of it certainly. That drive to want to better myself in the craft I’m working on. Maybe I just paint for myself.

I’d love to hear other peoples thoughts on this question.
Why do you paint?

Thoughts while doing the Ironing

I was wondering today, as the title suggests, while I was working through the ironing pile why I had always been a bit afraid of really saying hello to the world. Until recently this blog has always been something of a bit of a dark, dangerous secret. Known only by a few friends and family members.

Yet being myself and showing my interests in various things hasn’t ever been something I have hidden all that well. In the past I’ve brought various items to decorate my rooms or spaces; such as figures, posters, artwork commissions and such other geeky things. However somewhere along the line I seem to have begun to fear how I was judged by outsiders – new people that I meet and let into my life; as such the blog felt like it became something of a taboo. For a while I didn’t even know if I should carry on updating the site or not.

I didn’t update for some time, but while I swapped shirts on the ironing board, I wondered why? Why do I feel that this blog, essentially who I am, is something that should be squirreled away like it’s a bad thing.

Why can’t I include all the wonderful aspects of my life on here? Why do I have to hide my abstract art from my other artwork? It’s not like I am a professional person, nor do I really have the ambition to be anymore. I am just who I am, a simple person living in Bury with my husband, son and dog. With an interest in Art, Action Movies and some very nerdy things indeed. And you know what. There’s no shame in that. Not all women can be interested in fashion, shopping and conventionally attractive men!

I know I have spoken about these sort of things before, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to remind myself that I’m not doing anything wrong.

So, just like my twitter account, I think it’s time I was a little bit more honest to myself and to the people who are following me as well.

Beach – Prompt

The title Beach came as a prompt from The Daily Post

It’s days like today* that you think about the times when life was that little bit easier. What I am learning so far about motherhood is that it’s not actually easy. I was never under the illusion that it would be, but there was the hope that my child would be the one exception to all those rules that no one tells you about.
Today, my son has been crying on and off for nearly seven hours. Needless to say I am currently feeling a bit frazzled and like I am the worlds worst mother for taking a few minutes for myself to go to the toilet while he continues to wail over what seems to be nothing – I am sure it is something, but it seems to me whatever I try just makes it worse… or settles him for a few minutes which gives me the false hope that he might get some rest.

As such I’ve been pretty neglectful of a few other things today; the washing up and other house work, the small list of things I’d like to have done like reading a chapter of the book I am currently trying to get through and the dog.

As it might have been reported, I adore my dog and I feel guilty that he has to spend some days entertaining himself by seemingly staring at nothing on the floor. I was reminded by the ‘Beach’ prompt today of the great time we spent on Formby Beach when he was a mere puppy chasing the foam as it flew past like it was the best thing in the entire world. And I wondered what it would be like if it was just me and the pup again. We’d be free to go on nice spring/summery walks together without having to struggle with the pram – or cross off places that we can’t go as the pram wouldn’t fit or the path would be too muddy or some other such excuse that makes your extremely bad mummy thoughts maybe feel a little bit more justified?

And then you have a moment when your child looks at you and smiles**, and actually the crying really isn’t that bad after all and it’s all worth it.

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*today might not be the day this post is actually published, due to the nature of today.
** Even though the smile was probably just gas

New Life

So recently, everything about my life has changed. All for the better I might add rather hastily.

After a 10 month womb infestation I finally got rid of the parasite that was lurking inside me and making my stomach all big and swollen! I cannot tell you how much of a relief that really is! No more bloated feeling, no more feeling like I can’t eat a decent meal, no more running to the toilet every five minutes to relieve the pressure on my bladder!

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Of course, I say all the above purely in jest. I was actually just pregnant and feeling the woes of it all towards the end. Little Marcus was form 16 days overdue and after much trauma of inductions and trying to be squeezed, and I quote the midwife. ‘Putting a square peg through a round hole.’  So he was born by C-Section on the 30th of March. And after a 6 day stay in hospital (Before and after birth) I was more than ready to come home and start getting life back to the new sense of normal.
There was much crying and guilty feelings because my dog wasn’t at home – I think it was just baby blues being somewhat misdirected towards the missing pack member, but it was really strange going for the first walk without him. I even had dreams in which he was depressed; which was so far from the truth it’s unbelievable! He was staying with my Father-in-Law and his best friend Paddy, so he was fine and being a bit of a terror.

So we jump to today, and it’s my first day on my own with baby Marcus (Who is currently asleep) and Barley (Who is also asleep) and I am feeling a new sense of resolve to try and get things creative done. Pre-Birth I felt a bit low about pretty much everything and motivation felt like the hardest thing to come across ever. So I did pretty much nothing apart from the smallest scrap of cross-stitching ever (Which I managed to bork!)

But post-birth, I have already started to readdress Born to Die and rework it using the Snowflake Method. I’ve not gotten that far with it mostly due to the amount of busy with commission3_copy_by_the_zombie_cat_by_kiz_mit-d9ozsohbaby I have been; but I am feeling good about it non-the-less.

I’m also determined to find my graphics tablet and attempt to do some digital paintings, seeing as it feels like it has been forever and a day since I did any. I think it has actually been some years, so it feels about right that I should attempt some again. Especially now that the whole ‘art career’ thing is pretty much off the cards. I can paint because I enjoy it again. Which will be a novelty!

Until I get anything done myself, enjoy this picture of Nathaniel by The-Zombie-Cat, somehow she just manages to get the look in his expression perfect!

On a hobby note, I ordered some of the Genestealer Hybrids from the Deathwatch Overkill board game to replace my current Psyker Battle Squad. I was using actual Genestealers for them, but they never really looked how I wanted them too; they’re too far gone in the whole Xeno’s taint thing! But the ones from the board game are near abouts perfect for the idea of them. So, under the delusion that I will get the time to make them up and paint them, I brought some off ebay. Hopefully, I’ll get some time to dedicate to hobby stuffs again, seeing as it has been far too long since I did anything model related. I shall keep you informed on how I get along!