Thoughts

The nice weather has got me thinking that I should be outside painting and enjoying the sun – but whenever I think about doing anything remotely art related I just think of all the canvas’ I’ve already got finished upstairs and how they’re gathering dust because I have absolutely no business knowledge or any ideas what to do with them.

The truth is, I enjoy painting, I enjoy doodle artwork, I enjoy furry fandom artwork and I enjoy writing. I don’t have the ability to focus on just one thing and stick with it for any real length of time without facing burnout and ending up unable to do any of these things for a length of time.

I think burnout is fine (or as fine as it can be) when you’re an established artist (or writer, or blogger or any other thing that can be established) But when you face it after a short length of time and you’re a noboby facing eviction from nowhere land, then it impacts you more. It hurts and damages you, knocks your confidence maybe?

Imagine, you’re just trying to get off the ground with a new venture. You put everything into it and then whollop, you’ve been burning the candle at both ends and just can’t seem to do anything anymore. It’s especially difficult when there is little to encourage you to keep going. Sure, you’ve got your cheerleaders behind you; your friends and family, that’ll support you, but other than that, reaching out feels like it’s next to impossible.

I’d love to have an art career, I’d love to be able to tell people that as well as a full-time Mum I am an artist, because right now I honstly just feel like a failure. I’ve no income and completely relying on my Husband for everything and despite is having the talk of ‘Thats what we agreed on’ I sometimes feel like it isn’t fair on him to provide for us on his own.

But… as with everything, it seems like art and selling is more of a popularity contest than anything else. You get popular on sites like Society6, more people see your work, you sell more. Your not popular. You’ve had it! You’re popular among the Furry Art Community, you get support and commissioned (Seemingly regardless of artistic merit) You don’t have the right friends, you’ve had it! To the point where I joked with someone that you need an ‘Art Sugar Daddy’

I know, I know, it’s mostly my own fault because I have asolutely no sticking power or dedication to keep something going. I don’t know why but I shoot myself in my own foot because as soon as I am ‘getting somewhere’ and talk to people I completely clam up and run for the hills as though getting close to people is a problem – which it really is, but thats a story for another time.

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Oh well.

LyI’ve had a pretty bad day already today, and I wanted to get it out of my system before… well, I don’t know what before, but before it at any rate.

I’m feeling increasingly more and more frustrated with art things – a lack of time and attentiveness is causing it really. So when I actually do get a bit of time to sit down and make something happen on the art front it feels really good.

This morning I actually woke up with something that felt like it resembled energy and I knew what I wanted to do.
I remembered about the line art that I’ve included with the post and decided that I should actually finally do something with it. It’s over eight years old, but somehow I woke up with the character on my mind. Strange how that happens but there we go.

While my son was down for his morning nap, I got busy and coloured it all in. I was only going to do flat colouring, seeing as I didn’t think I would get any time for more details. I did. I managed to finish it all off and even get some rather funky lighting effects from the lantern and some swirly things going around on the glowies dangling about. I was feeling pleased. Even while I was colouring it in, I was thinking about the world he comes from and the other demon brethren he has and his place surrounding them.

Then I tried to save it.

And photoshop crashed.

Absolutely gutted. I kinda feel like there is something pushing against me when I try and create something. If it’s not me that’s putting a downer on things as I go along, it’s something that I cannot help. Time being a main factor at the moment, if I do get time for things it’s certainly limited between caring for my son and keeping the house before I attempt anything art related. Right now, I just feel a bit like someone/something is telling me not to bother anymore.

Joy.