As I mentioned previously, I wanted to use this blog as a place to get some thoughts and feelings out into the air and this one has been weighing pretty heavily on me recently and I know as soon as I’ve gotten them off my chest I’ll feel a lot better about it and be able to finally move on from the heavy burden that it has become.
I was talking the dog for a walk recently with my son and husband and I was talking about how I felt about the Wargaming hobby at the moment and what has been acting as a block when it comes to my creativity for it. In short, there’s been some emotional pain and resentment when it comes to picking up the hobby once again. Feelings of inadequacy and just general anger; but out of this conversation came the summary that I can’t let other people ruin something I once enjoyed – especially when I am so close to completing my Space Marine company!
A good place to go when struggling with hobby stuff is to get everything out on the table and see where you are with it all. With my husbands help I figured out I was only two tactical squads away from finishing the Blood Guard 4th Company! (Although, some of the ones I have currently are in need of sticking together still and others need finishing off.) But it still feels like something of an achievement for me – so I am thinking of how I can get back into the painting and playing side of the hobby. Too long have I blamed my procrastination on ‘Not having enough time’ but being able to voice the reason behind my reluctance to take part in the hobby feels refreshing; even if I have skimmed on the details.
So, I took a little jaunt over to games-workshop and am ‘treated’ to an eye full of maggot infested wounds and bloated tummies. My stomach churns and I recall the hatred I have for everything Nurgle. Just to feel a connection again is wonderful.
It has been far too long since I did anything Games Workshop, let alone 40K. So I think this evening I’ll move my easels to the side and see if there is anything I feel like working on.
I admit, this didn’t work to well the other day when I took some of my Imperial Guard off the shelf and looked at them. I just had this overwhelming feeling of abandonment due to outside influences.
Moreover, it feels amazing that these feelings of ‘I want to do stuff’ come from within me and inspirational sources being rediscovered – I am currently reading Promethean Sun, which I grabbed off the bookshelf cause it is small and will be an much easier and better read that the drivel I just endured. So. No. You can’t try and take credit for what I am reaping for myself. Sorry.
I took a step back from the internet – I’ve always had some sort of presence on social media – when my Husband finished work for the Christmas break on the 15th of December. I was using some websites pretty avidly in the month or so before this date and honestly, I was feeling like it was taking over my life (again)
The break has been welcome and now I am looking over my actions with hindsight I can see how badly I was using the internet and social media; I was in the grips of addiction. The decision to take a step back was both welcome and eye-opening.
I took a quick peep on my dA account while I was writing this post; as that’s the place that I have been most active and it’s all doom and gloom. People threatening to kill themselves over (honestly) the dumbest stuff ever and all I want to do is scream at them to get a grip! I think, in part, it’s because that now I am a bit older I don’t really feel like I fit in with the younger people on there these days. Where issues like, Apu from the Simpsons suddenly being outed as a racist character, seem to be more relevant and important to discuss than third world poverty. Or where the ability to pick and choose ones gender on a whim seems more un/acceptable than the so-called rape culture we live in. I am generalising for emphasis here; but these are the things that I was encountering daily on the wider internet. And also being labelled a stalker for reading the pages of another persons blog – surely, that is what a blog is for? Reading?
Needless to say, it all just became too much and the decision to leave it all behind was a welcome one.
But, what am I thinking of now that I am in the midst of this break? I’ve used the internet to define a large part of who I am for a very long time. Websites, like DeviantArt have been the platform for my voice and my art for the past 14 years – longer than some of it’s users have been alive – so I have been left to do a serious amount of thinking. If I leave these social media sites behind me I know I will overall be happier and leave a more fulfilling life and I won’t be carrying around this addiction anymore. Yet, I would cut off some people I have known for a very long time, people I see as good friends and some of the only social interaction I get sometimes. I know I’d hear a lot less from some important people in my life – to the point where I doubt I would hear from them at all.
Do I stay in a place that ultimately isn’t good for me, but gives me a platform to express my creativity and gives me contact with people. Or, do I use the internet and the social platforms I have to keep in touch with people and express my creativity at the expense of my mental health?
I can see pros and cons for either side of the argument and I am thankful that I have enough time to ponder the conundrum for a while longer before the husband returns to work and I am left more or less alone with these thoughts.
I am thinking that there must be a healthy medium somewhere, but considering how the internet feels like an addiction surely using just one website (including my blog) is like an alcoholic or drug addict saying ‘One won’t hurt?’
Seeing as we’ve just seen the back of Valentines day and all the chocolates are now on special offer in stores, I thought this would be a good subject to to post about.
Another list from my writing prompt, but they seem to be a good thing to write so, here we go.
Flowers – You know, this is something that I think most women would like to be brought by their partners. I’m not a girl of expensive tastes and I don’t want to b brought tacky bunches of 24 red roses or anything lavish as that. A £1 bunch of daffodils are actually my favourites and I think it’s that fact being remembered that means more to me than the flowers themselves. Come at me with a big bunch and while I will still appreciate it, it won’t be the same as those daffs.
Fudge bars – Much like the above really, they’re my favourite little treat and they’re only 25p. Don’t bother with the massive box of chocolates that’ll only make me get fat, just get one of these for me every now and again and we’re good!
Drawings – I love it when people draw for me. Absolutely love it. I don’t care if you don’t think you can draw or if you’re the next Picasso! It means the world to me that you took your precious time to think of me and draw something. Time is the only thing in the world that we can’t get back, spending it on me to create something it just amazing and rather overwhelming.
Coffee and conversation – Actually, it’ll be more like a cup of tea and conversation, but how many people go to a Costas with the intention of buying a tea? Anyway, I don’t mean the fleeting conversation of ‘Hi, how are you?’ I’m not that great with small talk, I mean, lets go somewhere and have a deep and meaningful conversation. Or talk about drama or the things that are lighting up your soul right now! Speak to me about your passions and what you’re creating! Tell me all your silly little ideas for stories and I’ll tell you mine and we can tell one another that they aren’t actually silly and we can collaborate and make magic things happen! Honestly, I would love to do this more in my life.
Space – I can’t stress how mega important this one is! Give me time and space to be myself and do my own thing. I love the company of other people, don’t get me wrong, but I take a lot of time to recover from being around people as well. I need time to work on the various things that I have running over and over in my head. If I am tucked away somewhere working on something, the very best thing you can do is bring me a brew and leave me too it!
Ooooh, this’ll be a fun one! My top three pet peeves. I could say about some smaller more insignificant things, like chewing gum or litter but while these annoy me, then generally don’t get me ranting my head off all evening about it!
Bullying – I think this is more than a simple pet peeve to be honest. And if anyone actually likes bullying there is something wrong with their heads, lets be fair. But, what I really cannot stand is when adults bully children. I was in the local market this weekend and one woman was sat at a nail bar while her daughter was sat on the floor behind her – I think playing with a toy or something, either way, not up to anything much at all while she waited for her mother – but the mother was busy telling her. ‘Oh look, what a stupid little baby, on the floor.’ I guess she didn’t want her daughter to be sat in the middle of the floor, but it was the condescending manner in which she spoke to her child that made me remember it. I know it might seem like nothing, but to me it came across as totally mean.
In relation to the bullying peeve, is people that guilt trip other people online. It seems like there is this big thing now where it’s all right to be friends with someone and make them be friends with only ‘you.’ Or role play with only ‘you.’ Or conform to ‘your’ thoughts, rather than let them do what they want to do. And should you have a disagreement because you don’t do as they say, you know the friendship will be over and you’ll have to face a series of guilt-trippy journals or ‘vagueposts.’ I am having trouble expressing my thoughts here clearly, but those who know what I mean should understand.
Being lied too – This is a big one as well, I think I can mostly blame my Dad for it as well, cause if I remember rightly, it’s something that annoys him greatly. I remember I was going to go somewhere with a friend and for whatever reason they didn’t feel up for going. That would have been fine and it wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest, if they’d told me their reasons. However, I got told that tickets had sold out. I knew this wasn’t the case as I checked online and could have brought tickets for this event. Why go through that elaborate deception rather than just say they ‘Didn’t have the money’ or ‘I don’t feel up for it.’ I guess they thought they would have been sparing my feelings, but hey-ho!
Questions – This might be a bit of an odd one, but I hate it when I am asked the same question over and over again. It wears me down until eventually I give a stupid/sarcastic answer to the question. Being asked ‘Are you okay?’ constantly is really draining. I don’t mean as in every time I see someone, I mean every 10 minutes or so.
Why do I paint?
I’ve often asked myself this. Why do I create paintings, drawings and write?
It’s mostly addiction.
Not to the process of creating itself, because I personally have taken breaks from the creative process before. But addicted to that strange and often horrible feeling afterwards.
That feeling of euphoria that you’ve created something from your imagination and put it down on canvas sucessfully. Nothing can replace that feeling. You’ve made something from scratch and it’s all you. Your brain child. A part of your soul that you get out of yourself and share with the world – regardless of if you actually show anyone or not, it’s still there.
Yet there is also that horrible emotion that you actually feel utterly rubbish at everything you do and you’ll never get something looking right or how you’d like it. You’ve failed your brain child by making them something that doesn’t look perfect.
Then there is turning that emotion into a positive force that makes you try all over again.
It’s an addictive process really. I don’t know if every creative person feels this way about creating whatever it is they create or if it’s just my underlaying lack of self confidence and / or esteem, but I feel this way about a lot of the things that I put my creative mentality towards. Be it painting abstract art, drawing characters for others and myself, or hobby modelling. I look at what I have done afterward it is finished and rarely feel happy with what I have done.
I know for professionals it’s a part of their working life, illustrators have to create because it’s how they get paid. Fine artists create to impress galleries in order to showcase their art and sell paintings or to get private commissions. (This is a grand generalisation I know) I never really got along too well with the pressure I feel in either of these stances, so I can’t say that I paint for the money.
Yet a day or so after the feeling of dejection fades and I want to pick it all up and start over again. Maybe I am just a sucker for punishment! I don’t know if this is the real reason that I paint, but it is a part of it certainly. That drive to want to better myself in the craft I’m working on. Maybe I just paint for myself.
I’d love to hear other peoples thoughts on this question.
Why do you paint?
I was wondering today, as the title suggests, while I was working through the ironing pile why I had always been a bit afraid of really saying hello to the world. Until recently this blog has always been something of a bit of a dark, dangerous secret. Known only by a few friends and family members.
Yet being myself and showing my interests in various things hasn’t ever been something I have hidden all that well. In the past I’ve brought various items to decorate my rooms or spaces; such as figures, posters, artwork commissions and such other geeky things. However somewhere along the line I seem to have begun to fear how I was judged by outsiders – new people that I meet and let into my life; as such the blog felt like it became something of a taboo. For a while I didn’t even know if I should carry on updating the site or not.
I didn’t update for some time, but while I swapped shirts on the ironing board, I wondered why? Why do I feel that this blog, essentially who I am, is something that should be squirreled away like it’s a bad thing.
Why can’t I include all the wonderful aspects of my life on here? Why do I have to hide my abstract art from my other artwork? It’s not like I am a professional person, nor do I really have the ambition to be anymore. I am just who I am, a simple person living in Bury with my husband, son and dog. With an interest in Art, Action Movies and some very nerdy things indeed. And you know what. There’s no shame in that. Not all women can be interested in fashion, shopping and conventionally attractive men!
I know I have spoken about these sort of things before, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to remind myself that I’m not doing anything wrong.
So, just like my twitter account, I think it’s time I was a little bit more honest to myself and to the people who are following me as well.
Another prompt title from The Daily Post
Lately, I have been doing a bit more engaging with the Resident Evil fandom over on DeviantArt. This is mostly due to a couple of friends on the website opening up a Resident Evil Original Characters Jam – A collection of people drawing, writing and generally being creative with and for others in the Jam.
It started a bit before I gave birth and as such I wasn’t really in the mood to contribute; mostly due to feeling like a beached whale. Since settling into Motherhood and knowing what sort of time I do have available to me after various daily tasks I am happy to say I still have time to get some drawing done. As such, I can give back to my fellow zombie outbreak survivors in the form of a few headshots of characters involved with the Jam.
(Burke, ORLY, Blanky, Kiz, Kilgore and Shakahnna – For various people over on dA)
Its just been damned nice to be able to find my stride with drawing for others and (selfishly) myself again. I was worried about not having the time or the inclination to do any drawing once my child was here, and I am over the moon that I am able to get a few artsy things done. Especially for those friends that I rather neglected in the weeks before and after giving birth.
Actually, I am rather honoured to have some of these people as friends, as they’ve always been the understanding sort. Whenever I have needed a break from the internet they’ve been encouraging and supportive of that fact – which is great to know. It means they’ve always been there waiting with open arms when I’ve returned.
It’s an absolute pleasure to know people like that. Relaxed enough to understand that life happens beyond this here internet, but close enough to be friendly.
It’s people like that, that make life that little bit more survivable.
Seeing as I have more time, I shall try and update the blog more often. I have a couple of things I would like to say already.