As I mentioned previously, I wanted to use this blog as a place to get some thoughts and feelings out into the air and this one has been weighing pretty heavily on me recently and I know as soon as I’ve gotten them off my chest I’ll feel a lot better about it and be able to finally move on from the heavy burden that it has become.
I was talking the dog for a walk recently with my son and husband and I was talking about how I felt about the Wargaming hobby at the moment and what has been acting as a block when it comes to my creativity for it. In short, there’s been some emotional pain and resentment when it comes to picking up the hobby once again. Feelings of inadequacy and just general anger; but out of this conversation came the summary that I can’t let other people ruin something I once enjoyed – especially when I am so close to completing my Space Marine company!
A good place to go when struggling with hobby stuff is to get everything out on the table and see where you are with it all. With my husbands help I figured out I was only two tactical squads away from finishing the Blood Guard 4th Company! (Although, some of the ones I have currently are in need of sticking together still and others need finishing off.) But it still feels like something of an achievement for me – so I am thinking of how I can get back into the painting and playing side of the hobby. Too long have I blamed my procrastination on ‘Not having enough time’ but being able to voice the reason behind my reluctance to take part in the hobby feels refreshing; even if I have skimmed on the details.
So, I took a little jaunt over to games-workshop and am ‘treated’ to an eye full of maggot infested wounds and bloated tummies. My stomach churns and I recall the hatred I have for everything Nurgle. Just to feel a connection again is wonderful.
It has been far too long since I did anything Games Workshop, let alone 40K. So I think this evening I’ll move my easels to the side and see if there is anything I feel like working on.
I admit, this didn’t work to well the other day when I took some of my Imperial Guard off the shelf and looked at them. I just had this overwhelming feeling of abandonment due to outside influences.
Moreover, it feels amazing that these feelings of ‘I want to do stuff’ come from within me and inspirational sources being rediscovered – I am currently reading Promethean Sun, which I grabbed off the bookshelf cause it is small and will be an much easier and better read that the drivel I just endured. So. No. You can’t try and take credit for what I am reaping for myself. Sorry.
I felt like revisiting an old(ish) character of mine lately. I made him up during my Masters in design and art direction – I couldn’t remember the name of the MA until I started writing this post – but somehow he stuck with me after I left the course and pops his head in every now and again.
I wanted to make up a plethora of new characters this weekend, but being away from home and spending time at the sea-side with my parents and other family members made this somewhat difficult. I couldn’t focus on the many characters that were in my mind, so they are still in the works. Yet I retained the notion that I actually want to begin to feel a bit more invested in my characters again. I feel like I have been keeping everything all ‘at arms length’ for a while now and it’s starting to feel somewhat damaging. I don’t feel like I am a good creator and feel somewhat resentful towards myself for making characters and then doing nothing with them!
I’ve not put any time or effort into writing anything with them or drawing much of them at all. Let alone commissioning anyone to draw them for me. Which is something that I have always enjoyed – seeing other peoples takes on my characters. It’s why I am always interested in doing Art Trades. (If you ever want to do an art trade, let me know!)
So, I had a few deviantart points and spent them commissioning an artist that I rather admire. They’ve drawn for me before – which is wonderful – and I’ve asked them to do something of Nathaniel and together (which I am excited about) and another something of Feracil, my werewolf hunter.
Nathaniel Greyson by MSdeath666
Nathaniel Greyson by MSdeath666
Kiz and Rhodes by MSdeath666
I will be sure to share the results with you here when I get them.
Maybe if I feel a bit more passionate about what I have created, I will generally feel more enthusiastic about a lot of other things that I have been approaching with a very ‘meh’ feeling in life lately. Who knows. But getting to draw and finish something feels like it is helping already.
I’ve often asked myself this. Why do I create paintings, drawings and write?
It’s mostly addiction.
Not to the process of creating itself, because I personally have taken breaks from the creative process before. But addicted to that strange and often horrible feeling afterwards.
That feeling of euphoria that you’ve created something from your imagination and put it down on canvas sucessfully. Nothing can replace that feeling. You’ve made something from scratch and it’s all you. Your brain child. A part of your soul that you get out of yourself and share with the world – regardless of if you actually show anyone or not, it’s still there.
Yet there is also that horrible emotion that you actually feel utterly rubbish at everything you do and you’ll never get something looking right or how you’d like it. You’ve failed your brain child by making them something that doesn’t look perfect.
Then there is turning that emotion into a positive force that makes you try all over again.
It’s an addictive process really. I don’t know if every creative person feels this way about creating whatever it is they create or if it’s just my underlaying lack of self confidence and / or esteem, but I feel this way about a lot of the things that I put my creative mentality towards. Be it painting abstract art, drawing characters for others and myself, or hobby modelling. I look at what I have done afterward it is finished and rarely feel happy with what I have done.
I know for professionals it’s a part of their working life, illustrators have to create because it’s how they get paid. Fine artists create to impress galleries in order to showcase their art and sell paintings or to get private commissions. (This is a grand generalisation I know) I never really got along too well with the pressure I feel in either of these stances, so I can’t say that I paint for the money.
Yet a day or so after the feeling of dejection fades and I want to pick it all up and start over again. Maybe I am just a sucker for punishment! I don’t know if this is the real reason that I paint, but it is a part of it certainly. That drive to want to better myself in the craft I’m working on. Maybe I just paint for myself.
I’d love to hear other peoples thoughts on this question.
Why do you paint?