While I was doing some painting earlier – of the decorating sort, not the hobby sort – I came across the realisation that I’ve let other people influence who I am and what I am doing.
I have put off personal project for an unwarranted ‘fear’ of upsetting people. I’ve let other peoples paranoia dictate what I am doing. A turn of phrase here or a surname there and I’ve had the finger of ‘You’re staling from me’ influence projects that I have had with me; but unworked upon for many years. My fears have been pushed the a point because the fingers come from people that once inspired me and that I looked up too – and coming to the realisation that they’ve got nothing on me has taken a long time.
This is the internet; look up these terms on google and you don’t get the people that I’ve been running scared from; you get DnD character builds or Film directors, infamous brothers, alcoholic beverages or things along those lines.
Even this more recent ‘fear’ of being completely overwhelmed by someone has had me changing what I am doing. And the stupid thing is, I was actually happy running along with my characters and projects before these things came along and sucked the enjoyment out of it – to the point (with furry at least) I don’t feel like I can ever enjoy it in the same way again; at least it feels that way at the moment.
I was scared. I am still scared sometimes, to think about certain cahracters and projects, and for what? Some idiot o the otehr side of a PC screen pointing fingers and throwing hissy fits cause they can’t see past their own noses?
I shouldn’t have let the things I enjoy be tainted by outside influences; not ones that can’t really do me any harm. I’m not interested enough in silly internet high-school bullshit; point your fingers, call me whatever the hell you like – no longer am I going to stop doing the things I enjoy just because other people want me too or are to self centred or paranoid that they think everything is theirs in the first place.
As a part of moving house, I wanted to keep a bit of a ‘personal record’ of what we have changed, when, and how.
The house we’ve brought was (mostly) functional, but a bit dated and by far the worst room in the house was the one which has been designated to our son – it’s also the smallest room in the house as well, so the perfect room to start with for a couple of DIY novices!
The room was painted a grizzly green colour that I don’t even know if I can describe – and being an artist that’s saying something. It was a bit like infected snot or pale peas or something. Either way, it wasn’t attractive. Also left in the room was a single bed, that I don’t think even the dog wanted to sleep on! So that had to be removed before we even started doing anything in the room.
The first thing was to redo all the gloss paint in the room – cause the skirting board and radiator were more of a cream than white. This made the room look instantly fresher.
The next step was to paint the walls – we’d picked out a nice wallpaper from B and Q – Marcus had a hand in picking this himself by enthusiastically pointing to the wallpaper when shown a couple of options. So the paint we picked matched the wallpaper. It was one of Valspar’s colour mixing paints, which was pretty exciting in itself seeing as Marcus and I have watched how this is done on the Cbeebies show ‘Do you know?’ I think the colour we picked was called ‘Morning Glory’ but I can’t 100% recall.
We are by no means experts when it comes to hanging wallpaper, but we were pleasantly surprised that it only took us an evening to do; while Marcus was sleeping in the spare room. We’re reasonably proud of how it came out too; considering the hiccups we had along the way – paper tearing because it was a bit too wet with wallpaper paste, not quite getting the patterns lined up and the concern that there might be stains because of the paste. Thankfully come the morning these things weren’t noticeable!!
While we changed the room around, we also took the side of Marcus’ cot as well and he has been sleeping pretty well despite the change!
Sorry I have been a bit neglectful when it comes to posting on here.
I want it to be because I’ve been mindlessly busy since moving – which to a certain extent I have been, but I also think it’s because I’ve been hiding too. Having thoughts that I wanted to try and figure out before I started posting here again. There was an absolutely massive focus on my art before I moved house; and after too – but I ‘crashed’ today.
I hit my limit and just feel like detaching from everything anthro and furry; yet at the same time, I don’t want to because most of my following is from the furry fandom. Yet, as always when I try and get into anthro/furry stuff something comes along to put me off. And it’s usually the same thing; ungrateful turds that just want to use and abuse, get something for free or act like an absolute arsehole to people while egotistically claiming they are an “Art Messiah.”
It’s my own fault, like always, for trying to get closer to people and build my own sort of following on websites like DevArt or Tumblr. It’s either too much because I seem to attract people I’d rather not; or it’s a reminder that ‘Fiction is better than reality’
I wish I could be the sort of person that could upload and share art to a website; like dA, and be content with that. Not interact with people or even try to make ‘friends’ just, share and go. I might have to give it a try. Upload something; log off and move on? Because I can’t keep going on the way I am; it’s draining and stupid!
I’ve thought a bit about it this afternoon before writing this. I’ll always love anthro/furry art; it’s home so I’ll never stop drawing it completely. That and Warhammer 40K doesn’t have enough Tits and Ass for me too really enjoy for the long term. Space Marine Pin Ups can only get me so far and really, my biggest following is for the anthro stuff. It’s a bit of a conundrum really.
The move into out beautiful new home went really well.
More or less as soon as the removals company got everything onto the lorry, we got the call saying that everything had completed on the solicitors end and we could pick up the keys for the new house.
All the boxes have been moved in and we’re currently going through the long process of finding a home for all our possessions – a much longer task than I had first figured; but seeing as my husband has taken the laddo swimming, I thought I would steal away a precious few minutes for myself rather than stare blankly at another box wondering where I could put it’s contents.
Already, I am feeling much more vibrant and ‘alive’ and I think it’s thanks to the fact that I can sit somewhere with natural light and where I can hear birds singing in the garden.
I feel really lucky that we managed to get this place – and we’ve already got some wonderful plans in mind for the garden as well as the house itself.
I’ll take some pictures and add them to the post tomorrow; really I’d like to share some ‘Before and after’ pictures of the house as we ‘do-it-up’ and make it ours.
While I was offline, I thought about the future of the blog – and how it has changed since it’s first conception all those years ago. Less and less is it about my Fangirling and the characters I love and adore. we’ve moved onto artwork now and how this place has become a hub for sharing my own art as well as that of others – which is something I would like to continue doing; but I’d also like to get a bit of focus on just the ‘daily life’ things that I’d just… like to share and write about. Like the house, how my garden is growing and my little family too; I’ll have to think about how to format it and have another little ‘play’ with things over here over the coming weeks and months.
I’ve had a bit of an internet relapse lately. I thought if I reintroduced myself to websites slowly, that things would be okay.
But, in actual fact, I don’t think they are. Spending too much time on them again. This time, I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been enjoying the drawing prompts and getting ideas off other people, but I don’t feel like I am in control of the ‘moderation’ aspect of my internet use anymore.
Is it time to step away again already and just come back to this place? I feel like an alcoholic going back to the bottle. I enjoy it while I am doing it, but am filled with regret for it afterwards.
Either way, I feel like I am being controlled by things online again, so I’m going to try and just do some drawings – start on the next Primarch in the series, maybe just do a few small critter doodles and get on with life away from this-here-internet again.
I took a step back from the internet – I’ve always had some sort of presence on social media – when my Husband finished work for the Christmas break on the 15th of December. I was using some websites pretty avidly in the month or so before this date and honestly, I was feeling like it was taking over my life (again)
The break has been welcome and now I am looking over my actions with hindsight I can see how badly I was using the internet and social media; I was in the grips of addiction. The decision to take a step back was both welcome and eye-opening.
I took a quick peep on my dA account while I was writing this post; as that’s the place that I have been most active and it’s all doom and gloom. People threatening to kill themselves over (honestly) the dumbest stuff ever and all I want to do is scream at them to get a grip! I think, in part, it’s because that now I am a bit older I don’t really feel like I fit in with the younger people on there these days. Where issues like, Apu from the Simpsons suddenly being outed as a racist character, seem to be more relevant and important to discuss than third world poverty. Or where the ability to pick and choose ones gender on a whim seems more un/acceptable than the so-called rape culture we live in. I am generalising for emphasis here; but these are the things that I was encountering daily on the wider internet. And also being labelled a stalker for reading the pages of another persons blog – surely, that is what a blog is for? Reading?
Needless to say, it all just became too much and the decision to leave it all behind was a welcome one.
But, what am I thinking of now that I am in the midst of this break? I’ve used the internet to define a large part of who I am for a very long time. Websites, like DeviantArt have been the platform for my voice and my art for the past 14 years – longer than some of it’s users have been alive – so I have been left to do a serious amount of thinking. If I leave these social media sites behind me I know I will overall be happier and leave a more fulfilling life and I won’t be carrying around this addiction anymore. Yet, I would cut off some people I have known for a very long time, people I see as good friends and some of the only social interaction I get sometimes. I know I’d hear a lot less from some important people in my life – to the point where I doubt I would hear from them at all.
Do I stay in a place that ultimately isn’t good for me, but gives me a platform to express my creativity and gives me contact with people. Or, do I use the internet and the social platforms I have to keep in touch with people and express my creativity at the expense of my mental health?
I can see pros and cons for either side of the argument and I am thankful that I have enough time to ponder the conundrum for a while longer before the husband returns to work and I am left more or less alone with these thoughts.
I am thinking that there must be a healthy medium somewhere, but considering how the internet feels like an addiction surely using just one website (including my blog) is like an alcoholic or drug addict saying ‘One won’t hurt?’
Dear Future Jenn,
I know you’ll look back in a few years time and think ‘What the Hell was I thinking?’ You’ll be feeling guilty that you spent your spare time drawing, and it’ll probably be the only thing that you’ll really remember from this period in your life.
But, try to push that strange, guilty feeling of ‘I didn’t do enough,’ aside and try and remember a few other points.
Like, most of the time it feels like you’re in this alone. Sure, you’re married and have a loving, caring husband – but during the day it’s just you. Doing everything. On your own. There wasn’t anyone you can impose upon a ten minute walk away to get things off your mind, or hand Marcus over to play with for a while so you can clear your thoughts – it was just you and the house and the dog and Marcus.
Also, remember you went to baby groups three or four times a week to play with different toys and so that Marcus could interact with children his own age and start being a social little Mr. And, because of the choices you made, you got to be a part of that and enjoy that time with him. Not everyone gets to witness their child growing up and to personally take them to such places – this was a good thing for the both of you and don’t worry too much that you didn’t get close to any other Mums, you were there for your son during his formative years.
Remember that you tried to make the most of the time you had together; remember the trials and the anger and the guilt, but remember more that you did your best. Yes, you did a lot of drawing during this time, but that was a sort of therapy to you. You drew because it helped you to forget that you felt lonely and isolated – drawing for people online made you feel like there were people that you could talk too; even if it was fleeting it helped you too cope with the trivial day to day struggles that you couldn’t get off your chest any other way.
It was difficult enough, without you beating yourself up over it now.
Also remember, you wrote this on a particularly bad day in the best and worst month in the year, but you got through it again – it won’t always feel this gloomy!