I’ve a bit of a conundrum when it comes to photography and it’s not something that is related to kit or anything like that.

I’ve been wanting to get back into photography after about a 10 year break, I joined up to my local Photographic Society and every week I come away from it both inspired, but terrified (intimidated) it’s a bit of a conflicting feeling – I want to get into it all, wrap myself in it and really enjoy myself.

But, I feel that my confidence has taken a huge knock and I am not as outgoing as I used to be. I feel like I don’t know where I can go or even where to start anymore; I had a brief stint of taking photographs of Warhammer models, which was fun and pretty interesting, but at the same time I feel a bit… jaded to it.

What I would love to do is find run down warehouses and broken things and photograph them. I once got into an abandoned old folks home with a pair of dolls and had fun photographing them amongst all the cobwebs and ‘gross’

 

Actually, my dolls are something that I have thought about a fair bit since starting going to the Photography Society and I regret selling them – such is the way of things – and I’d really like to replace some of them, not for anything as pretty as the one I had, just a plain, resin doll would be interesting to take around with me and photograph all ‘creepily’

Drawing on the wonderful and creepy inspiration of Hans Belmer and Joel Peter Witkin; two photographers I discovered while studying Photography at University.

It’s something that I will certainly hold onto and keep in mind, but there is still that underlaying concern for my lack of confidence – where does it come from? Is it because I have had so many people ‘cancel’ on me. Leaving me with an overwhelming feeling of abandonment and that I am not really worth being around; which has made it more difficult to reach out to people who might be interested in photographic pursuits. Some of my fondest memories of photography are in a small bedroom with a hastily thrown together ‘studio.’

I just like the idea of being able to pick up this side-passion again and get myself a doll to explore the local market with (when it is closed) and take creepy photographs again.

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It was the end of pain

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“I wondered when you would come crawling back.” The Hell-Priest sneered, looking down his nose to the wretch he’d once been on a date with; somewhat bitter that she hadn’t come back to him sooner.

“I need you,” she whispered, almost ashamed to admit it; that he had been on her mind all the while she had been flitting off with others. Passed all level of simple desires for the Cenobite.

“Need?” The Hell-Priest questioned with a slightly raised brow, it wasn’t usually need that brought lost souls to his door. Perversion, desires and a gross misjudgement certainly; but not often need.

“Somewhere to belong,” Jenn elaborated further, sinking to her knees before him, wrapping herself in his radiant shadows. “When we were on our date,” she continued, “You told me of your order and I could feel your pride, your companions, your family,” she looked to him wistfully; ever the dreamer. “I’ve never felt that. Like I’ve someone looking out for me, protecting me.”

There wasn’t much that took the Cenobite breath away, but the sincerity in her fleeting words rendered him speechless for a moment. “You, do know what this entails?” He asked her – thinking her innocent reasonings for needing to be by his side might have fallen short of her day-dream nature.

She nodded her accord.

“I need your protection,” she sighed looking up to him with absolute reverence.

The Hell-Priest spread his arms behind her, “Then we shall begin,” he smiled smugly, bringing someone into Leviathans fold had never been so easy and she had all the potential in the world to be so beautiful.

A little something of Jenn and Pinhead.

Not feeling it anymore

I’ve been putting a lot of time and energy lately into using DeviantArt – mostly because I have never really found a viable alternative that works for me (And trust me, I’ve tried a few)

But over the past couple of weeks or months, I’ve really not been feeling the same enthusiasm for the site as I used too. And between the plethora of idiots and assholes I have encountered on the website, I am really not sure if my future lies there either.

It’s not all been doom and gloom, I have had a lot of good, positive experiences come from it as well; but I can’t deny that I’m just not ‘feeling it’ anymore – I log in with this overwhelming sense of dread and above that a general apathy about it all.

What keeps me going back on there is the fact that I have Premium membership for the next 15 months, but for the most part, I don’t know I feel pretty lacklustre about that place. Maybe my more recent experiences are putting me off more than I care to admit.

While writing this entry, I remembered something I read in a certain someones biography – that I will keep to myself for fear of being labelled the same as and hounded further – but they said that there is a ‘thing’ with younger generations. “They can’t just do something, they need to be seen to be doing something.” This is why I stopped posting on my photography blog and just keep the photography side of me to myself. I still take photographs, I just don’t need to ram them down peoples throats every day. Maybe I am getting the same feeling about artwork and drawing. I’ll keep posting them on here when I remember, but I don’t know if I need to have the whole online gallery thing being a constant anymore. Especially not after the recent treatment I have ran into on dA.

A little delayed

I had a bit of a knock recently, and as always I thought I would come here and talk a bit about it.

When it happened, I sort of just shrugged it all off and laughed about it but as the day went on it got too me a bit more.

I had someone leaving abusive messages on my profile and artwork on DeviantArt. Why. Because I didn’t answer their questions about my characters Vagina.

I’d been talking to the guy on and off for a little while, but the notes asking about my Fursona we’re a little invasive (To say the least) and when I didn’t answer his messages right away he flipped his lid and took it out on me.

There are a few more comments, but you get the general idea.

I don’t know if dA admins took action when I reported the guy or if he deactivated his account in order to avoid repercussions for his actions; but everyone I have spoken to about this has taken it pretty seriously. Especially the part where he threatened to “Beat the fucking shit out of me,” and should he use another account to contact me then I’d certainly be tempted to follow up on their recommendations of taking this beyond simple admins and to legal authorities – how much they can do I don’t know seeing as I don’t take the threats seriously, with that person being in the US. I doubt they could afford to buy a McDonalds cheeseburger, let alone a ticket to the UK and the means to track me down.

Anyway, they’re a real “tough guy” beating up a woman whose only exercise is chasing after a two year old.

That aside, it really made me question if I am doing the right thing. I’ve recently been taking on a few commissions and having a mild measure of success with it. But, if opening up to other sources releases me to these types of people, do I really want too? It’s hurtful, just because someone is bored they lash out. But, I’ve not given up on the things I enjoy in the past 15 years of drawing, just because someone said or did something hurtful or because they didn’t want me too anymore.

With a lot of these types of people – the ones that want to start drama over pretty much nothing – I assume their opinion is what it is because they’re jealous, can’t control what I am doing or have nothing better to do. Their opinion and comments on me/my art/what I’m doing is moot.

In closing

Get a hobby. A real one. Not one that makes you look like an idiot on the internet!

Darth Maul

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I’ve wanted to do something with Darth Maul since the beginning of time; I only ever drew him one other time and that was way back in 2012 for a fund-raiser I did on facebook for Motor Neurone Disease. darth_maul_by_jennrushby-d5ebvgl
It was great too finally get to draw the best thing to come out of The Phantom Menace and it not be a complete botch!

I’ve been wanting to try doing more dynamic posing – which is really hard as I am somewhat stuck in a comfort zone currently; also facial expressions are still a bit tricky, but I’m working through both problems.

I’m going to have a bit of a play with this some more when I get the chance to get on the PC and draw – but I wanted to share this sketch on here especially because it is relevant too the whole ‘Fangirl’ aspect of the title.

I really should do more fan art of the objects of my fangirlly-obsessions as they actually feel pretty few and far between these days.

Celebrate the small

I had a bad afternoon today.

I tried doing some drawing and I told myself that it was too soon and that I wasn’t ready for it again – nor for the wave of bad feeling that came over me after I put the picture down.

I was overcome with negativity that brought my entire afternoon down – thinking what I had created didn’t look good enough. Whatever that means. And I just dwelt on the fact that the picture hadn’t turned out as I wanted it too and that I shouldn’t have bothered trying to draw again so soon into my ‘Artistic Recovery.’

I shouldn’t have been thinking this way and celebrated the fact that I had actually picked up my pencils and done a little bit of sketches. It’s all about bringing light and creating a little bit each day – improvement will come with time, effort and patience; like it has done prior to this.

I just wanted to write this and remind myself that it’s all about small steps and growing little by little; rather than beating myself up just because something didn’t look right.

I’ll bounce back soon enough and be dazzling you all with the wonderful things that I can create soon enough, but for now I have to be gentle with myself and not to harsh over the fact that a small thing didn’t look right or how I imagined it would.

The reason I’ve been ‘off’

I wasn’t sure if I should write this blog entry or not, but I’ve always felt like I should speak my mind as it has always helped me to recover and recuperate from my negative experiences in the past. Actually, this entry is a mirror from my journal over on DeviantArt and while over there, I don’t feel like I can name who this is about; my blog is my ‘safe space’ and I can easily point that this journal is about DrPStripes on DeviantArt

Something has been going on lately between myself and a former friend that has left a bitter feeling behind.

The aspect of this that makes it difficult to talk about openly, if one of the major points that had become a problem. The former friend had added (more or less) all of my other friends here on DeviantArt and twitter that either draws or has ever drawn anything related to anthro and furry art. At first, this felt like it was good fun; building a little community around us, but then it just got a bit strange. They would talk with friends of mine that I have known for over 14 years that don’t even draw anymore, trying to get them to do art trades with them or draw gift art for them and make them feel really uncomfortable with dragging up the past for them – and drawing the wrong characters for them as their Fursona, but that’s another point – which didn’t sit very well for me as I felt somehow responsible for the fact that I had mentioned them once in a conversation about anthro art and my original influences; which I figured was a safe conversation to have. Clearly not.

I know I can’t control what other people do, but it really felt like classic stalker tactics. Adding all my friends and trying to push the people I am close to out of my life. There was some drama started by this former friend between my sister and I when they messaged her accusing her of tracing artwork with the adage of ‘Jenn said you traced’ (paraphrasing) thankfully my sister and I are really close and the plan to tear us apart backfired.

Another tactic of control was to draw art for me and call it a Trade; even though we never agreed to do such a thing – it felt like a way to get free art from me or to back me into a corner making me wonder if we HAD agreed to another trade or not – it is something that I noticed he was doing with other people which was the only way I felt free from my confusion. There were other instances where when talking about trades the adage of ‘we can do one/something’ about them and when I did say no, I was met with one word answers and guilt trippy replies like ‘oh’ or ‘k’ which made me feel bad for having said no. Something that I already struggle with. They even went so far as to ask if his Fursona could have a crush on one. While telling me he fancied another of our friends.

There was a conversation between us that enlightened me to his egotistical attitude too, which had somehow evaded me in the years we had been friends. The statement of ‘Why do people flock to me like I am some sort of Art Messiah’ things were already getting difficult to cope with at this point, but calling yourself an art God when your art is average didn’t sit too well with me. I don’t understand how someone can adopt such a ‘holier than thou’ attitude towards art when everything looks rushed – but maybe my bitterness is clouding my judgement.

I don’t know if I should speak of others experiences with this guy, but I am not the only one who has issues with their attitude and behaviour. There are ex-friends who are constantly blasted and have to suffer his ‘wrath’ and current friends who are going through the ‘trade’ confusion.

it has honestly felt a bit like a nightmare lately and I am glad that we’ve parted ways so I don’t have to hear how great his sub-par characters are anymore or that he is better at art then other artists I have since come to appreciate and admire, who I didn’t feel like I could before cause it would have upset this former friend.

What the issue is now, is that because he has become mutual with more or less everyone I know on here (that does anthro art) it feels like he is unavoidable, even though he is blocked on here. (And everywhere else as far as I know) Which makes coming here fill me with terrible anxiety. im trying to work my way through it, but it’s difficult after such an all consuming part of dA.

Ive not mentioned this former friend by name, because of the mutuals we share, but I’d be happy to let you know via note if you wish to know.
If you feel you know who it is, I’d rather not have to deal with any fallout from this as this journal was purely written to help me feel better and get things off my mind that we’re keeping me awake at night.

Ill probably add to this when I feel like I need or want to say more about my experiences.