Love don’t live here anymore

I put something on my twitter yesterday.


And I feel like I should talk about it a bit more.

You see, art has been one of the biggest things in my life. I love looking at artwork and encouraging others; I love how art can light up the most dull of rooms and I love how art used to make me feel.

It was after I’d worked on my paintings that the same afterward feeling of art hit me. That sadness that ‘everything I do looks terrible and makes me feel like shit’ feeling that I have spoken about before.

I was watching my son playing in his sandpit when this feeling hit me. And it was at that moment I felt like I couldn’t put myself through this anymore. I couldn’t carry on feeling like a fraud, calling myself an artist when in fact everything about art no makes me feel stressed, anxious and pretty much awful about myself.

In fine art, I am using the techniques that I have been taught or shown by other people. In my character art, I use reference pictures for poses. I used to feel that art lit up my soul, but I can’t get in deep enough anymore to find that light. I once drew my characters everyday, but now I barely think about them. And as for artistic heroes; I found more inspiration in my friends artwork than any other source. I used to dread the ‘Who is your biggest influence?‘ Question at University, cause it’s not exactly credible to shrug your shoulders and say, “My friend Gwen.”

It was a horrible realisation to come across.

It hurts me that I had this ‘thing’ that I used to enjoy, but feel so withdrawn from in every way possible. I have faced art block before and been able to drag myself through it. So I know it’s nothing as simple as that. I have faced burn out before and I can’t say it’s that either.

I want to enjoy art and I want to love her again, but right now I just feel completely and utterly dejected with her; like she is this great thing that everyone loves and feels a passion for, but mine is completely gone.

New paintings? 

I managed to get out in the garden this morning and do some painting. It’s been a fair while since I did anything creative like this, so it was good fun again.

It involves a lot of water and making a mess, so the husband will probably be mortified when I tell him what I have been up too! 

What I enjoy about this process is the fact that it can be so quick and still produce some good results. It can be a bit hit and miss because it involves spraying water over paint and then waiting to see what happens! Sometimes a canvas turns out brilliantly and looks really good and well blended. Other times it turns into a horrible mess and you just end up either having to white wash the canvas or throwing it away.

A couple of these are looking rather promising already – but I’ll have to see what happens when nature takes its course during the drying phase! It’s a big part of why I paint outside; other than to avoid the mess of paint on the carpets, but seeing what that days weather does to the drying paint. It only takes the smallest breeze to push the paint in a way that wasn’t expected. Which is why the wet WIP pictures can look so different to the finished pieces.

I think the darker of the pictures will need some reworking and probably another layer or two to cover the canvas texture, but the other two are looking rather promising so far.

What do you all think? 

I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

Hi gang,Scan 5

I know it’s been a bit since I posted – I did promise to try harder, looks like I failed a bit there.

I drew this guy up today and I wanted to write something down about him here, so I didn’t forget it!

His name is Zeke – shortened from Ezekiel – and he was going to be a part of an AU of my characters that I was once upon a time working on. Somehow I fell out of love with the idea, but this guy and the form of Torquemada (I’ll write about him later) stuck with me.

He was meant to be the main characters partner and a mercenary working for a different faction (There were two warring factions, and many bands fighting for those factions) to the main character. It was a post apocalyptical world with monsters and that sort of thing; where the characters were fantasy races and all that jazz!

Zeke, is a revenant. Where, when killed, he revives. So for his mercenary unit he was the expendable character that was usually getting eaten, maimed, shot, stabbed etc, so that the rest of his merc group could accomplish whatever task it was they had set out to do.

I just thought it would be pretty heart-wrenching for the main character to lose someone they cared about. Only for them to be on the receiving end of a very poor tasting joke!
Maybe I just have a mean sense of humour!

Still, I wanted to post this up to show that I’m not just drawing boobs and penises over on twitter. Promise!