A little bit more personal than normal

I’d say for longer than three months I have been struggling with thoughts of quitting. Not just the thought of quitting blogging, drawing and painting miniatures, but properly quitting. A lot of the thoughts are intrusive and unwanted; they can be quite shocking when they come, but are often induced snap-times of higher stress; when my son is having a shouting match and being argumentative, for example. A couple of days ago I had a pretty rough afternoon with the kiddo and was feeling pretty low. Having been left to cook the dinner in the early evening whilst the husband took aforementioned kiddo to the park, I put the radio on and a wonderful song came on. A song that can only impact a person in a one way.

Everything about this song is affirming in a positive way and perfectly cheesy – just like the dinner I was cooking – but what it reminds me of more is a very powerful piece of acting from the movie Rocky Balboa; I recently shared the video with my husband and I think he was suitably impressed as well. Sure, I am not as invested in the Rocky series as I am the Rambo, but I do have an appreciation for the long standing series. More so after watching this scene. It’s motivational, to say the least.

Whenever I go through these periods in my life – which at times feels like it is my entire life – I go back to this particular motivational speech. It’s a work of fiction, yes, but it has really clicked with me as a means to try and get through the hardships and keep powering through the negative emotions that try and pull me down. A way to deal with the imposter syndrome that can grab hold and have the strength to say ‘I am valid, I am doing this for myself.’ It helps me to get through the inner monologue that tells me that I am not good enough and never will be. Tells me to not cling onto the negative aspects of myself and just keep on going forwards. I am better than a quitter.

I wanted to write this down while everyone was out of the house as a means to keep a record of it and to share just in case it helps anyone else.

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4 Comments

  1. Azazel

    Heh. I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed and over it all. It’s those times that the frustration/anger/etc seeps through a little of my posts. And of course, I give fewer …damns now, so my filter is slightly thinner, though I do manage to keep my harshest use of language to my own blog. I guess the thing that works for me is to take breaks when I need to, so I can come back a little more interested and recharged (for the hobby stuff, anyway). The other stuff still needs to be fought through.
    But that’s just it, when it comes down. This hobby stuff is one of my stress releases from the BS of RL. So when the hobby stuff becomes stressful, it’s time for a breather, but it’s also good to come back to for an alternative place to spend my mental energy and a little creativity so I don’t entirely dwell on the unending crappy stuff in life…
    Good speech, btw. I’ve seen that one a few times before. 🙂

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  2. The Responsible One

    Serious talk for a moment – don’t discount talking to your doctor about seeing a therapist. I know several close friends who have and it’s done wonders.

    Talking is a good first step. We’re bad at it as a culture. But it feels like we’re getting better at it.

    I often take refuge in music to help my brain reset when it’s getting . . . busy. But they’re band aids, and sometimes I suspect I should be listening to the advice I give other people. 🙂

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  3. maenoferren22

    I have thought long and hard about how to comment on this, I really didn’t want it to be trite or patronising. Azazel’s and The Responsible One’s post definitely have something of what I was going to say. Thirteen years ago I had locked myself in the bathroom and was in the darkest place I have ever been in. A couple of things pulled me through, one was being given bit of advice by a close friend. It was this. She informed me that “My success rate of making it through the shittiest times of my life to date have been 100%.” And you know what she was most definitely right. (I would like to point out I was out of the toilet by then, she wasn’t that close a friend). Do what you need to do to carry on with the impressive success rate, whether that is taking a break from things, going to the doctor or taking up kendo so that you can smack the crap out of someone. Apologies for the ramblings of my reply.

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  4. theimperfectmodeller

    I thought long and hard about how to reply. I even considered not doing so but I felt a desire to reach out. It is very difficult to offer constructive and personal advice to someone you do not know but as a generalisation I would say everyone has their dark days so your experience whilst very personal is unlikely to be unique. My own philosophy for what it is worth is that we have bad days so we can tell the difference between a good one otherwise they would all be the same. In general terms good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience, worse days give you lessons and the best days give you memories. Never give up, besides I love your work and I enjoy your blog! 😊

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