The reason I’ve been ‘off’
I wasn’t sure if I should write this blog entry or not, but I’ve always felt like I should speak my mind as it has always helped me to recover and recuperate from my negative experiences in the past. Actually, this entry is a mirror from my journal over on DeviantArt and while over there, I don’t feel like I can name who this is about; my blog is my ‘safe space’ and I can easily point that this journal is about DrPStripes on DeviantArt
Something has been going on lately between myself and a former friend that has left a bitter feeling behind.
The aspect of this that makes it difficult to talk about openly, Is one of the major points that had become a problem. The former friend had added (more or less) all of my other friends on DeviantArt and twitter that either draws or has ever drawn anything related to anthro and furry art. At first, this felt like it was good fun; building a little community around us, but then it just got a bit strange. They would talk with friends of mine that I have known for over 14 years that don’t even draw anymore, trying to get them to do art trades with them or draw gift art for them and make them feel really uncomfortable with dragging up the past for them – and drawing the wrong characters for them as their Fursona, but that’s another point – which didn’t sit very well for me as I felt somehow responsible for the fact that I had mentioned them once in a conversation about anthro art and my original influences; which I figured was a safe conversation to have. Clearly not.
I know I can’t control what other people do, but it really felt like classic stalker tactics. Adding all my friends and trying to push the people I am close to out of my life. There was some drama started by this former friend between my sister and I when they messaged her accusing her of tracing artwork with the adage of ‘Jenn said you traced’ (paraphrasing) thankfully my sister and I are really close and the plan to tear us apart backfired.
Another tactic of control was to draw art for me and call it a Trade; even though we never agreed to do such a thing – it felt like a way to get free art from me or to back me into a corner making me wonder if we HAD agreed to another trade or not – it is something that I noticed he was doing with other people which was the only way I felt free from my confusion. There were other instances where when talking about trades the adage of ‘we can do one/something’ about them and when I did say no, I was met with one word answers and guilt trippy replies like ‘oh’ or ‘k’ which made me feel bad for having said no. Something that I already struggle with. They even went so far as to ask if his Fursona could have a crush on mine. While telling me he fancied another of our friends.
There was a conversation between us that enlightened me to his egotistical attitude too, which had somehow evaded me in the years we had been friends. The statement of ‘Why do people flock to me like I am some sort of Art Messiah’ things were already getting difficult to cope with at this point, but calling yourself an art God when your art is average didn’t sit too well with me. I don’t understand how someone can adopt such a ‘holier than thou’ attitude towards art when everything looks rushed – but maybe my bitterness is clouding my judgement.
I don’t know if I should speak of others experiences with this guy, but I am not the only one who has issues with their attitude and behaviour. There are ex-friends who are constantly blasted and have to suffer his ‘wrath’ and current friends who are going through the ‘trade’ confusion.
It has honestly felt a bit like a nightmare lately and I am glad that we’ve parted ways so I don’t have to hear how great his sub-par characters are anymore or that he is better at art then other artists I have since come to appreciate and admire, who I didn’t feel like I could before cause it would have upset this former friend.
What the issue is now, is that because he has become mutual friends with more or less everyone I know on dA (that does anthro art) it feels like he is unavoidable, even though he is blocked on there. (And everywhere else as far as I know) Which makes coming here fill me with terrible anxiety. I’m trying to work my way through it, but it’s difficult after such an all consuming part of dA.
I’ve not mentioned this former friend by name, because of the mutuals we share, but I’d be happy to let you know via note if you wish to know.
If you feel you know who it is, I’d rather not have to deal with any fallout from this as this journal was purely written to help me feel better and get things off my mind that we’re keeping me awake at night.
I’ll probably add to this when I feel like I need or want to say more about my experiences.