I put something on my twitter yesterday.
And I feel like I should talk about it a bit more.
You see, art has been one of the biggest things in my life. I love looking at artwork and encouraging others; I love how art can light up the most dull of rooms and I love how art used to make me feel.
It was after I’d worked on my paintings that the same afterward feeling of art hit me. That sadness that ‘everything I do looks terrible and makes me feel like shit’ feeling that I have spoken about before.
I was watching my son playing in his sandpit when this feeling hit me. And it was at that moment I felt like I couldn’t put myself through this anymore. I couldn’t carry on feeling like a fraud, calling myself an artist when in fact everything about art no makes me feel stressed, anxious and pretty much awful about myself.
In fine art, I am using the techniques that I have been taught or shown by other people. In my character art, I use reference pictures for poses. I used to feel that art lit up my soul, but I can’t get in deep enough anymore to find that light. I once drew my characters everyday, but now I barely think about them. And as for artistic heroes; I found more inspiration in my friends artwork than any other source. I used to dread the ‘Who is your biggest influence?‘ Question at University, cause it’s not exactly credible to shrug your shoulders and say, “My friend Gwen.”
It was a horrible realisation to come across.
It hurts me that I had this ‘thing’ that I used to enjoy, but feel so withdrawn from in every way possible. I have faced art block before and been able to drag myself through it. So I know it’s nothing as simple as that. I have faced burn out before and I can’t say it’s that either.
I want to enjoy art and I want to love her again, but right now I just feel completely and utterly dejected with her; like she is this great thing that everyone loves and feels a passion for, but mine is completely gone.