What if…?

This comes from my writing challenge again.

I feel like there are so many What if…? Moments in my life. 

What if I had been able to pass my hearing test and able to get into the army? 

What if I’d been more dedicated to my animal care career?

What if I’d never visited my sister in Hull that weekend? 

What if I’d chosen to stay on my Photography course instead of switching to illustration?

What if I had chosen Fine Art instead? 

What if I was still working in a paid job?

It’s too much to really bare thinking about. I can’t face a life thinking of the what ifs and buts right now. I’m already feeling completely overwhelmed with and by nothingness! Already overthinking and feeling overburdened with everything that is already on my plate without considering all the things that I can’t change. 

If I had done those things above I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I would be someone else. I’d never have met my husband, never done some of the things that I have done in my life – and right now I am feeling that I’ve not really done anything with my years and pretty regretful that I’ve don’t feel like I have anything to show for the time I’ve ve spent, so why dwell in these too?  It doesn’t make any sense too. 

I already feel like a big fat loser than just sits about the house due to crappy weather, not venturing out and achieving nothing other than working myself up over nothing, crying my heart out because I don’t feel attached or inspired by anything. So why spend time thinking about all the wonderful things that could have changed my life in wys that I can’t even face thinking about let alone try and form some sort of ‘dream of the future’ about.

Thanks writing challenge for helping me get this off my chest and all, but I don’t really think dwelling on the what ifs I life is worth it right now. If ever.