This post is going to be in a completely different vein to my other recent posts.
I had a dream last night. One in which when I woke up there were tears in my eyes – I think it came about mostly due to the nostalgia that I’ve been subjecting myself too and being sent some photographs of who I was and who I used to be.
In the dream I was walking somewhere and in a coffee shop with a two other friends sat my Nan. She was happily chatting away with these friends, I don’t know what they were discussing, but I moved on over and said hello and we were both so happy to see one another. For those that don’t know, my Nan passed away after a battle with Motor Neurone Disease.
The time in which she passed away was before the disease took everything from her. Of course it had made life very difficult and she was under constant care, needing help to get into bed, eat, go to the loo. So when she passed away, I was relieved. For her. That she didn’t have to go through any more pain. More so, I felt guilty that I felt relieved. I also felt guilty that I wasn’t living closer in order to help my Mum who had taken up a lot of the care responsibilities.
Nan was someone that came up a few times when I was having cognitive behaviour therapy for my depression and looking back on it now it was that guilt that surfaced with it.
So to see her in a dream after all this time, and actually seeing her happy, brought these feelings back up again in one sense. But maybe it’s also a way of my subconscious telling me that there is no need to feel such guilt or sadness about her passing any more. And maybe I need to start believing that she is happy where she is? I don’t know. I’m not exactly a very spiritual person but maybe it’s time to explore all that as well?