I went for a walk yesterday with my dog, Barley. Who I believe I introduced in a previous post, and it was horrible. That actual aspect of taking him for a walk was fine, but I felt that something wasn’t right. I was avoiding coming back to the house because I realised that all I would do was sit in front of my mac monitor looking at useless rubbish on the internet while trying to find inspiration in a well that has long since dried up. Attempting to rekindle hobbies that I no longer feel any joy for.
So, as I was sat there on a bench in the rather chilly wind watching the ducks swim about on the lido I decided that I would attempt to distance myself from the internet; cut it out of my daily routine entirely for maybe a week possibly two. That’s my goal at the moment at least – but even as I type this out in word I figure that I’ll be detoxing for as long as it takes me to feel better about the direction in which I am taking my life.
The internet has been a part of that life since I was about sixteen, now at 31, I feel like a lot of my time has been invested poorly. I’ve formed connections with people who have only fallen by the way side; yet I still attempt to check up on them and see what they are up too. Not particularly because I care for them over much anymore, but because it’s a habit. What else would I do with that time? It felt like it was the only option, and quite honestly, that feels a little bit pathetic. If Iwas observing someone else doing this, I would criticize them. I know I would!
It’s the things that I feel I am missing out on also, my dog is young and growing up. It’s prime time to teach him things, to play with him. Yet, all I feel I have been doing is taking on some walks, getting back home and sitting in front of the laptop.
Honestly, it’s no way to live and while I do feel guilty that I have some agreements with people via the internet; mostly through roleplaying which is that well of inspiration I mentioned earlier, but I feel my life and my health lacking because I am sat at my laptop all day. I want to be more attentive to the world around me and discover new things that feel more real. I want to rediscover my passion for creation and art. I can’t go on that journey if I don’t be honest with myself and step away from the internet. I know that there are things that will potentially suffer while I am absent, my store won’t be updated, nor my facebook page for Scribble Doodles, but I hope that when I feel ready to return I will be stronger for it.
However, I do wish to share this journey with others who may currently feel the same way I do, so I am giving myself five minutes a day to update my blog with this record of detoxing.