I don’t want it.

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So I was doing some work in my Leonie Dawson “2015 Create your Shining Year” workbook – I brought one last year and found it rather useful, but last year was a bit of a nightmare so I fell of the wagon with it – and while filling it out this year I stumbled across some truths that I’ve had on my mind over the past few months.

I don’t actually want to be a professional artist.

I don’t think that I ever have. Art for me has always been something that I have enjoyed doing, and will continue to enjoy for the rest of my life. I enjoy it because it offers me a means of escaping from the world outside. From the day job that I don’t always feel inspired with.

But you know, I’ve pushed myself into having a ‘Business’ with art because that seems like it’s the sort of thing that’s right to do with having a 2:1 degree in Illustration. It’s not me. I’m not really a business orientated person. I should have known this when I failed Business Studies at GCSE, but it’s not about the fact that it’s too hard; even if it feels like I am giving up. It’s more about trying to find what makes my life the happiest and most fulfilled.

I think I found it.
Finally.

I am a family orientated person, last year I got married, we just put an offer on our first house and are trying for children and that is what lights up my soul. Doing little bits and bobs to make the house better, finding new ways to look after myself. I am in the process of working myself off a year long course of Anti-Depressants – it’s a big step and having a way to write down all my thoughts and fears about life really has helped point these things out to me.

The hardest part of all this though is telling everyone. That feeling of disappointment, like I’ve let people down or done the wrong thing. But, what’s wrong with pursuing happiness? Drawing what I feel like when I feel like it?

Blackwall WIP smallAs such, have a WIP sketch of Warden Blackwall, from Dragon Age: Inquisition.
It’s all I’ve managed to draw this year, but I hope with all this stuff off my chest I’ll be able to draw more freely.

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