This is a bit more of a heart felt post this one. I have recently noticed that I have a condition. A serious condition, that stems from my childhood. It was something that at times was a real problem for me. It is called Selective Mutism. The short of it is, under certain situations, you cannot speak. Whereas otherwise you normally can.
I had no knowledge of this as a child, and now that I am heading towards my thirties, I can see that this was and is something that I suffered from. As a child, I felt stupid whenever I couldn’t speak, and the frustration that I felt as my parents, teachers or friends tried to speak to me while I just locked up and couldn’t speak. I am certain they thought I was being rude or stubborn about not speaking, and oh lord in my mind I wanted to. I could hear my mind telling me the words that I should speak, but they just couldn’t engage.
This problem still haunts me, although I do feel that it has gotten better in recent years, at times I do not feel that I can express what I mean at times and it is just so damned hard when faced with a heated discussion, when you want to speak and the idea of not speaking could ruin your entire relationship or friendship. Yet, being unable, not unwilling, unable to say a thing.
I wish I had known about this, I really do. It would have saved so much heart ache, tears and frustration.